


It's all in your head

by mrshopkirk



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Crying, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Gay Bucky Barnes, Gay Steve Rogers, Love, M/M, Mention of abuse, Mention of sex, Nightmares, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Steve Rogers, Steve Feels, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Stucky - Freeform, True Love, men kissing, mention of nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 07:57:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10872492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrshopkirk/pseuds/mrshopkirk
Summary: In the forties, Steve finds his relationship with Bucky nothing but perfect until the day he catches him with a girl. It becomes a nightmare that haunts him till the present day.





	It's all in your head

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at Tumblr.

There’s no feeling like Bucky’s lips on his. They’re warm, soft and perfect. Everything Bucky does is prefect. The way he strokes Steve’s hair likes it’s the softest satin in the world. The way his fingers trail down his skin, caressing it ever so gently like it could crackle and break at any moment. The honeyed words he whispers that get him hard right then and there and turns him into mush at the same time while his hot breath fans the shell of his ear. Being held in his strong arms while they’re sitting on the couch or lie in bed making him feel safe and wanted. And god knows how he loves it when Bucky calls him sweetheart. “Say it again,” he asks Bucky and he always does. The loving way Bucky’s arms snake around his waist while he’s cooking breakfast or whatever they can afford to eat. Steve loves taking care of Bucky after a hard day at the docks and kneading his tense muscles. He loves it all. He loves Bucky. All of him. And Bucky loves him.

Bucky is perfect. Until that day. That day when Steve looks for him in the dance hall. He spends the better part of an hour looking for Bucky in the boots, at the bar and between the sweaty bodies on the dance floor. The dry, smoky air is hard on his lungs and he steps outside, leaning against the wall. Though he’s wheezing and fighting off an asthma attack, he hears the faint sounds of heavy breathing, sloppy kisses, and the rustling of clothing. The accompanying muffled moans and whispers are nothing he hasn’t heard before and therein lays the problem. He has heard those moans before. He knows those moans. He slowly pushes himself off the wall and turns the corner squinting his eyes in the dark. The faint light from the street gives the scene in front of him a vulgar and dirty look.

“Bucky?” It’s mostly a whisper. There’s no strength in his voice.

The couple in the alley doesn’t seem to notice him. A girl with red hair braces herself against the wall behind the dance hall with her hands. A boy pushes himself against her back and holds her close with one arm around her waist, kissing her neck. Her head falls back against his shoulder, giving him perfect access to her neck. The tall dark haired boy is bunching up her skirt in his hands, trying to get in her panties. She reaches back to grab a fistful of his hair earning a low groan from him. The same groan Steve hears when he grabs a handful of that same hair. Realization dawns on him. It’s Bucky. His one and only Bucky and he thought he was his one and only too.

“Bucky.” It’s more of a breathless statement than a question. He’s wheezing rapidly, almost doubling over and grabbing his chest. He lets out a groan. His throat hurts too much but not as much as his heart.

“Steve?”

He looks up and is met with a pair of blue eyes. A mixture of anger and repulsion replaces the loving look that usually greets him. He chokes on his breath.

“What the fuck are you staring at? You getting off on watching people, you little pervert?”

The rough voice, thick with lust, yells at him. It pierces his ears. “Get the fuck out of here! Get lost, punk!”

_Punk._ Another groan escapes Steve’s throat. Why? Why is he doing this? They were fine this morning. He woke up in Bucky’s embrace. Bucky had pulled him closer to his chest, spooning him, nuzzling his face against his head. He had planted kisses all over his face and shoulders, and when he noticed Steve was hard he had lovingly taken care of him. Sweetly, slowly, taking his time to make him feel good. Bucky always took good care of him. He knew just what he liked. He was always good to him. Almost too good to be true, Steve always thought. It turned out he was right. Bucky was indeed too good to be true.

Steve stumbles away, barely knowing where he is. He falls to his knees a few times and crawls the last few meters to the building he used to call home. He doesn’t make it up the stairs. His breathing becomes shallow. Bucky’s name rolls of his tongue and slides down his lips repeatedly until everything turns black.

“Steve? Stevie? Come on, wake up, sweetheart.”

The words hardly register. They sound so far away. But the feeling of a pair of warm hands on his face bring him back to the present. Through his tears he sees a pair of blue eyes look at him, lovingly, and the tears on his face are brushed away by calloused thumbs and it’s somehow still the silkiest feeling in the world. Steve’s hand covers the one on his face.

“Bucky?” he croaks.

“Yes, sweetheart. I’m here,” he whispers. His smile is so full of tenderness; it makes Steve feel like he’s Bucky’s most prized possession.

Every word Steve wants to say is stuck in his throat. He wants to say everything at once but nothing comes out. Breath escapes his throat forming soundless words.

“You had a nightmare. But I’m here. You’re here. We’re both here.”

Bucky is sitting on his knees next to Steve in the bed they share. The bed they have shared since they found each other again all those years ago. The bed they were supposed to share so long ago but were denied that pleasure, that right. Bucky always says ‘better late than never’ but Steve dwells on the past too much sometimes and it translates in his dreams. Steve’s still unable to speak, looking into Bucky’s eyes with a desperation of a drowning man trying to hold on to his last life line. His shaking hand finds Bucky’s face and his knuckles gently touch his cheekbone. Bucky leans into the touch, closing his eyes. He feels Steve’s hand touching his hair, carding his fingers through it.

“I’m here, sweetheart,” Bucky repeats.

It takes a while to ground Steve. He’s far out of it this time but Bucky takes his time. He has all the time in the world for Steve. He looks at him and thinks about how much he has changed and how much he is still the same. He softly runs his fingers over Steve’s beard. He hasn’t shaven in a few days and Bucky likes that rugged look on him. It suits his temper. He leans down to kiss Steve’s lips, which seem to have chapped over the course of a few hours. He looks parched so he wants to grab the glass of water on the nightstand but Steve pulls him back. Bucky is the only thing he needs to quench his thirst and he’s drinking his kisses greedily. When he pulls back to catch his breath, Bucky pulls him up in his arms, holding him tight.

“Was it the train again?” he whispers.

Steve whimpers as he shakes his head. A wailing sound escapes Steve as the helpless and utterly desolate feelings of his dream overpower him again. He grabs Bucky so frantically it surprises the man. Bucky holds his shaking and trembling body as Steve cries out the words Bucky has heard so many times before.

“You didn’t want me.”

“Sweetheart, darling. It was a dream. You know that. Look at me.” He cups Steve’s face trying to make him look at him but the tears blur Steve’s vision, just like it did that awful night. “Sweetheart, you know that wasn’t me.”

Steve’s sobbing and shaking and nodding his head. “I know.”

Bucky thinks back to that night. The work at the docks had taken longer than expected and when he made it to the dance hall, he couldn’t find Steve. Some friends told him Steve was looking for him and he went outside. That was when Bucky stumbled across Dan and his girl in a more than heavy make out session. They were all over each other. Dan hated Steve. And Bucky. Or more the thought of them always being together.

“God dammit! Not you, too!” Dan bellowed when he saw Bucky watching them. “Don’t you two have anything better to do than to spy on me and my girl?” His girl grinned at Bucky, throwing him a kiss and a wink, while Dan still had her skirt bunched up in his hands. She was definitely too drunk to fully understand what he was doing. “Why don’t you two find your own girl to play with? If you keep spending so much time together you’re going to end up playing with each other,” he spat out.

Little did Dan know how right he was, though, Bucky and Steve were already _playing_ with each other.

“You saw Steve?” Bucky asked, trying to look unfazed by the half grinding Dan was still doing against his girl’s ass. It was disgusting to Bucky how little respect he had for her, taking advantage of her like that. He was already clenching his fists.

“He was panting and grunting because he was spying on my girl, getting hard probably. Told him to fuck off.” He turned his attention back to the redhead and grabbed her hard. She yelped.

Bucky took two steps forward and pushed Dan off her and against the wall, punching him in the gut. Dan fell to the ground and stayed there, glaring at Bucky but too chicken to do anything. Not many people in this part of town were a match for Bucky.

“And now I’m telling you to fuck off.” He took the girl by her arm. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.”

Bucky held up Dan’s girl all the way to her home which luckily was only a block or two away.

“Thank you,” she said while she fumbled to get her keys out of her purse. “Maybe you should check on your friend.” Bucky looked at her questioningly. “He thought Dan was you and he was really rude.” She looks at him with sad eyes. “He looked really out of it. Like he couldn’t breathe or something.”

Her words made Bucky’s heart stop. Steve had an attack. He had to find him, fast, so he hastily bid his goodbyes and ran off to find him, his sweet little love. He stopped dead in his tracks when he found him slumped against the wall of their apartment building. He honest to god thought he was dead. Steve didn’t move and was barely breathing. His face was drained of all color, eyes staring in the distance. He didn’t blink. His thin legs laid outstretched on the grey pavement, which seemed to swallow him whole. His right hand laid in his lap, his left on the cold stones. It nearly gave Bucky a heart attack, made him want to cry for help in the night air.

“Steve?” Bucky said breathlessly, barely daring to come closer, afraid to find out if his fears were true. “Stevie?”

Steve didn’t stir. So Bucky kneeled next to his frail body, softly stroking his knuckles over his cheekbone like he had done a thousand times already. Whenever Steve was sick, fever ready to consume that weak body of his, it always brought him back to Bucky. His touch of life he called it, but it didn’t do anything this time. Bucky wiped the tears from his cheeks. He tried to check his pulse, leaned in close to feel if Steve was still breathing. He was desperate to feel that sweet warm breath fanning his face and there it was, like a feather touching his cheek. Sobs were heard in the eerie night when he was assured his little Stevie was still breathing. Gently scooping him up in his arms, he carried Steve hurriedly inside before anyone saw them.

“It’s okay, Stevie. I got ya. I’m here. Everything is going to be okay.” He barely got the words out with the lump in his throat. Bucky was getting more and more worried as Steve still didn’t respond to him. He had never said it outside the safety of their apartment but he couldn’t help himself then. Maybe it would be too late otherwise. In the quiet of the staircase he mumbled in the ear of his lover, “I’m here, sweetheart. Don’t you dare leave me, ya hear? I’m lost without you. I love you.” And that’s when Steve turned his head and rested it against Bucky’s chest.

It took longer than Bucky wanted for Steve to come out of his comatose state. He was wheezing again when he finally came to his senses; his entire body tense and it chilled Bucky to the bone when he flinched at his touch.

“Steve?” Hurt filled the name of his one and only love.

“Why are you here?” If Bucky hadn’t been so close to Steve he might not have heard the words.

“What do you mean, Steve? I’m always here, aren’t I? It’s you and me, sweetheart. It’s you and me.” He tried to look Steve in the eye but he turned away. “What are you doing, sweetheart? Why won’t you look at me?”

“But you don’t want me.” Anger seeped through. Bucky could hear it and didn’t know why. “ _You_ don’t want me anymore. Why aren’t you with her? You told me to get lost.”

Bucky dropped to his knees in front of Steve, his hands next to him on the couch, caging the fragile legs of the most beautiful man in the world. He didn’t dare try to touch him anymore; afraid he would push him away again. He didn’t want that, partly because he couldn’t stand the pain of the physical rejection again, partly because he wanted Steve to preserve what little strength he still had in him.

“What are you talking about? There is no her. There’s only you. How could I ever tell you to go away when all I want is to be with you all the time? I want to hold you all the time, sweetheart. I want to kiss you all the time.”

“You’re lying!” Steve yelled which such unexpected force that Bucky lost his balance and fell on his ass. “Are you saying that because she told you to get lost?! Is that why you’re here?! I’m second best now?”

Bucky was speechless and then remembered the girl’s words. ‘ _He seemed pretty out of it.’_

“Sweetheart-“

“Don’t you sweetheart me! I saw you! I heard you! You were all over her. Your hands up her skirt, kissing, sweet talking.” Steve’s voice grew weaker, his emotions and heartbreak taking over. Tears started running down his face.

“Sweetheart, that was Dan. You saw Dan. Remember Dan? Obnoxious, no manners but kinda looks like me?” He cupped Steve’s face, sitting on his knees like he was begging for forgiveness for a crime he didn’t commit. But he’d beg for Steve any day, for any reason. He’d beg for anything.

“Dan?”

Bucky nodded, a weak smile on his face.

“You-“ he swallowed hard and cleared his throat, “you still want me, Bucky? You’re not leaving me behind?”

“Sweetheart, never. How could I ever leave you behind? You and I, we’re together till the end of the line. Remember?” He kissed Steve softly.

And now they’re here again. He holds Steve in his arms the entire night. Steve can’t shake it off. He keeps crying and crying. The rejection from his lover felt so real, too real. He knows it was Dan back then. It made sense but whenever he closed his eyes, he saw Bucky all over that girl, growling at him to get lost. Ever since that night whenever Steve had a fever he begged Bucky not to leave him. It was his worst nightmare alongside the one with the train. These days Steve couldn’t get a fever anymore but whenever stress got the better of him, his body went into overdrive and overheated.

It is different taking care of Steve now. Despite the metal arm, despite the impressive physique Bucky has now, it’s still difficult to pull Steve in his arms. He’s so heavy, both his body and the burden he carries with him but he manages to make a cocoon for Steve. They’re tangled together, legs, arms, faces buried in each other’s necks. Bucky feels Steve’s tears slowly making their way down his shoulder and back, leaving a chilling trail. He cards his fingers through the blond hair whispering soothing words.

“It was just a bad dream, sweetheart. That’s all it was. It never happened. You have always been the one for me. They’re long gone now. But I’m here. You’re here. I will never leave you. You have my heart. You always had. I’m here.”

“You’re here.” He hears the repetition of the words by Steve.

“Till the end of the line.”


End file.
